


To Accept the Truth (I Wouldn't Dare)

by orphan_account



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Martin deserved Better, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, getting better, i wrote this when i was in a really dark place so- beware, its a diary lmao, martin is working through some stuff, sergio is an asshole whose with me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:35:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 10,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25164778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Martin writes down what he feels.Everyday, he tells Andres what he did, how he felt, and how he hurt.maybe one day, he'll learn to accept the truth, but it's easier said than done
Relationships: Berlin | Andrés de Fonollosa & Palermo | Martín Berrote, Berlin | Andrés de Fonollosa/Palermo | Martín Berrote, Palermo | Martin Berrote & Original Female Character(s), Palermo | Martin Berrote & Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 58
Kudos: 64





	1. 1/7/18    ~   Palermo, Italy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's:  
>  \- implied/referenced self-harm  
>  \- depression  
>  \- implied/referenced suicide attempts  
>  \- self-harm  
>  \- blood  
>  \- suffocation

_Palermo_

_1 st of July, 2018_

_Dear Andres,_

_Today I left the apartment._

_Shocking, I know._

_I left my apartment and I went to a café, where I ordered a strong black coffee, just like you used to. I don’t know how you drank it every day, it was terrible. Never in my life have I been more sure that I like mochas than when I was sitting at my little bench. But I drank it anyway, and it made me feel so much better. I felt close to you, mi amor. Feeling the bitter tang and the somewhat foul but nonetheless comforting tang hit the back of my throat made me feel like I was just waiting for you._

_The sun was rising in the most beautiful way today. How i wish you were there to see it. you would’ve called it an artwork. You would’ve given me a lecture on colour-theory or famous painters... probably both._

_I’ll be honest, because I can't lie to you._

_I forgot how to enjoy things for a while._

_I forgot how to see the beauty of life._

_I forgot how to appreciate the joys of life, to feel it’s warm embrace and to accept it, to seek it out._

_But today I remembered. As I sat on my bench, drinking my terrible, bitter coffee, I remembered how to see the beauty you showed me._

_Because it’s all I have left to remind me of you._

_I know you think what you did was right, that you thought you were doing me a favor. Maybe you hoped that I would move on, like you would with your wives. Just pack up and leave with nothing more than a “me voy!”. You were so wrong, querido._

_I died._

_Over and over, waking up was a chore. Leaving bed, eating, showering, hell, fucking breathing was a chore. Something I had to remind myself to do..._

_Did you know that you can’t suffocate yourself?_

_Obviously, if you hang yourself or find some other way, but I mean naturally. It is impossible to force yourself to stop breathing._

_I know what you’re thinking, and you’d be right_

_I died, but my heart kept beating_

_So I tried to stop it_

_But then I thought of how it would seem... like you would’ve._

_How one day, someone would open the door and find my corpse. Then somehow, Sergio would find out that I’d died, and he’d think to himself “I guess I was right”._ _I couldn’t give him that. I know he’s your brother, but even you have to admit that he can be a bit of an asshole._

_So I tried to make it look like I hadn’t died on purpose._ _But it didn’t work._

_So I cut again._

_I cut again and it felt so fucking good, Andres. Just to see the blood, to feel it bead and flow, to see it as it dried, only to be slit open and flow again…_

_Fuck_

_I’m sorry, Andres. I shouldn’t have, but I did. I shouldn’t, but I do. Because you know better than anyone that I don’t control what I do. My fingers start to itch and I lose myself. By the time I've found myself again, I’m either drunk or about to bleed out._

_Andres, you know how I am_

_You know how much of a mess I can be_

_You know how much I hate myself_

_You know I could never hate you_

_So why did you do this to me?_

_Why did you leave?_

_I-_

_It’s alright._

_I forgive you. I only hope that you can forgive me._

_Te quiero, mi amor, te quiero._

_\- Martin Berrote_


	2. Chapter 2

_Palermo_

_2 nd of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I woke up today._

_At a normal time_

_About 7_

_It’s an achievement._

_I went to the same café as yesterday, you know the one I’m talking about, right? You took me there whenever we came to Palermo. The one on the beachside with the stunning windows and adorable pot plants. I sat in my usual spot, the bench by the window. I was going to order something sweet, like I normally would, but I thought of you again. I thought of how empty the chair opposite me felt. I thought of how the bitterness of your coffee made me feel close to you again. So I ordered that instead. Today, I drank it inside the shop._

_I love this weather._

_You always complained about the cold, but I don’t know how you can stand the warmth of summer, especially here. I loved the frozen air I was breathing, loved watching my breath turn to mist before my eyes, loved how the grass was frozen with frost._

_It was beautiful._

_I wish you could see it._

_I wish you could tell me why summer is better._

_I wish we could laugh together_

_But wishes are for children._

_Andres, I love you. I know you know that. I know you think, that you thought, that you love me too. I don’t. but it’s ok, because I’m trying._

_You left me so I could keep living._

_I can’t keep myself alive if I don’t start to live._

_I can’t let myself live if I don’t love myself._

_I don’t love myself now, but I’m trying, I promise._

_I promise, mi amor. And one day, I’ll tell you myself._

_Maybe tomorrow I'll go to a bar._

_Maybe I'll dance._

_Maybe I'll pretend that I'm fine._

_Maybe one day I will be._

_But that day is not today, and I doubt it'll be tomorrow. Oh, querido, why did you leave?_

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well y'all might be a little sad after that so here's dave, the emotional support koala  
> 🐨  
> dave loves and values you  
> dave is here for you  
> dave wants you to be happy


	3. Chapter 3

_Palermo_

_3 rd of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_Today I went out._

_I went to the usual café and the waitress already knew what I wanted, which was nice. I went for a walk around a different part of the city today. You know how I love the beach, so I went and I just watched the waves for a bit._

_It was so peaceful._

_It was also scary._

_I watched as the waves crashed over each other, pulling back and forth but to the left and right at the same time._

_Nothing stopped it._

_I put rocks in the way, but still the waves crashed through. They still found a way to move._

_It made me think._

_Why can’t I be like the waves?_ _Why could so many people move on, pick themselves up, do anything at all, with such ease, and yet here I am, stuck in the past?_

_It made me feel weak._

_And I know I am._

_But I want to lie to myself._

_To pretend._

_Pretend that I’m fine, that I’m not broken._

_But I know I am._

_I decided to go to a bar. To dance, to laugh, to pretend that I am fine._

_So I did._

_I left home at about 8, and I ordered some wine._

_Nothing fancy, just some basic wine._

_I drank my wine and I danced, which was nice. It felt freeing, somehow, like the waves were beginning to move again. It felt almost real. But it’s ok, because I’m still pretending. There was a man at the bar, who was really nice. He kept looking at me and he smiled a few times. I smiled back at him, and we talked for a bit. He looked a little bit sad when I said I needed to go, so I think he liked me a bit too. His name was Nicolas, an architect. We talked about engineering and design and I even talked about colour-theory, when he was talking about painting the buildings at least, just like you taught me. He was funny and he had a chipped tooth, like me. His was in a different place though._

_Maybe I’ll see him again._

_Can I, though?_

_How far can I go, playing pretend?_

_Because I still love you, Andres._

_I still belong to you._

_Only you._

_I love you Andres. Please, don’t forget._

_Don’t forget me._

_Please?_

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave is here for you  
> 🐨  
> Dave won't forget you  
> Dave loves you  
> Dave wants you to take care of yourself


	4. Chapter 4

_Palermo_

_4 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I saw Nicolas again today._

_It was an accident, but it was funny._

_I went to the usual café, and the waitress began making my black coffee before I had even fully gone inside. She talked to me, asked me how my day was so far, and I played pretend._

_I pretended that I had been visiting friends and going out._

_I pretended that I was fine._

_I think she believed me. I asked her how her day was, and she said it had been good. She said that it was nice having a regular customer, and I smiled at her. She went back to work._

_It was nice._

_She was nice._

_Then Nicolas walked in._

_He smiled when he saw me, and I smiled back. He came and sat with me, and I didn’t stop him._

_It was different, having someone to sit next to, to talk to._

_But it was nice._

_He ordered an iced mocha._

_Just like I used to, Andres! He even had the extra icing like I would ask for! It was funny, and it made me smile._

_We talked together, and once we’d both finished, we walked on the beach, and I told him about the waves. I didn’t mention why I was scared of them, I didn’t tell him I was pretending to be fine._

_But I think he knew._

_Because he just smiled at me, and he looked like he understood. He told me about a therapist that he used to see, when he was younger. I told him that I was fine, and he nodded. He told me that you don’t have to be broken to need someone to talked to, and I just listened to him tell me about how much therapy had helped him._

_After we’d finished, he gave me his phone number and said he needed to go. Once he left, I felt light._

_I didn’t feel like I was pretending._

_I felt less broken_

_Still broken, but not as much._

_He also gave me the therapist’s card. It had a name and a number on it. I think it’s in my coat pocket. But I can’t talk to anyone about you, Andres._

_You’re too good to be dragged down with me._

_But Nicolas was really nice. He called me after a few hours, and he asked me if I would like to meet him again tomorrow at the café. He said he’d take me to his favourite walking spot, like I had today. It sounds nice, I can’t wait._

_Andres, do you mind?_

_Do you mind if I make a friend?_

_He won’t be you, nobody is ever going to be you, but he was someone. He is someone to me._

_I love you Andres._

_I wish I could tell you._

_I wish that you were here with me, interrogating Nicolas like you would with everyone._

_I wish that you could tell me that you liked him._

_I wish that he could’ve met you._

_You would’ve like him, I think._

_He appreciates art and life, like you did._

_He’s funny._

_He’s kind._

_He likes me._

_I like him too._

_I know you don't mind... That you don't care... But I love you_

_Only you._

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🐨  
> dave will be your nicolas  
> dave is here for you  
> dave is happy to see you


	5. Chapter 5

_Palermo_

_5 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I was sick today._

_I had a fever, and I could barely stand._

_Not like a hangover._

_I remembered why I don’t drink black coffee._

_It makes me so sick._

_I couldn’t go to the café today, and I felt bad, because I had made plans with Nicolas._

_God, that sounds strange._

_I called him and told him I was sick. I must have sounded sick, because Nicolas showed up at my apartment with some soup about half an hour later. Apparently, this was the soup his grandmother made him whenever he was sick as a kid._

_It was so nice of him._

_We talked for a long time._

_We both lost track of how long._

_It was so great, having someone to talk to again. to laugh and share with. I missed that, Andres. I missed having someone to talk to._

_I only had you, Andres. Then you left. And I had nothing. Now I have something._

_A friend._

_We talked about so much. Nicolas grew up in brazil, but he studied in England and became an architect with a degree from Oxford. He was an only child, and an orphan. He grew up with his grandmother. His parents had died when a building collapsed when he was 7. That, he told me, was what made him want to become an architect. To stop the same happening to other 7 year olds whose parents had a conference._

_It was sad, but he seemed fine with it. he mentioned therapy a few times again, but I brushed over it. I really don’t want to see a therapist._

_I told him about Buenos Aires. I told him about my father. I told him about my siblings. I told him about the abuse._

_He put his hands over his mouth a lot. Sometimes he leaned over and hugged me._

_It was nice._

_I felt like someone cared._

_I told him about when I had been kicked out of the house by my father, when he’d caught me with a boy. You know I was only 16. Nicolas was horrified. He said that my father was a vile man. I agreed with him._

_I told him about how I’d studied in Berlin, how I’d graduated top of my class, how I’d spent the night partying._

_I told him about you._

_Not nearly enough._

_No, no words could ever summarize the time I spent with you. I just told him I made a life-long friend the night I graduated, someone that changed my life. I couldn’t say anymore, and I think he saw that, because he changed the subject. We started talking about other things, and it was so good, Andres._

_It wasn’t like when I was talking to you._

_No, with you, it was like fire. Something beautiful and majestic. Empowered with passion._

_With Nicolas, it was all much simpler. Like a cool breeze in the middle of a hot summer's day. Just a sigh of refreshing companionship._

_I don’t even think he’s gay._

_I didn’t even ask._

_I don't even care._

_Because I don’t like him like that._

_He’s an amazing friend, and I love the time I spend with him, but no. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love like I did with you._

_I don’t want to._

_Friendship, after all, is much simpler. It doesn’t push you up against a wall and kiss you until you’re breathless. It doesn’t leave you stranded after 10 years. It doesn’t get killed by the police._

_No._

_Friendship is there to pick you up when you fall. It holds you by your arm when your knees buckle. It gives you a pair of ears for your mouth to talk to. It gives you a mouth for your ears to listen to. It gives you a shoulder to lean on, but only when you need it most._

_Love, love is much more complicated._

_Love will give you everything and tear it away at the same time._

_Love will scar and maul you._

_Love is dangerous._

_But I love you, so how bad can it really be?_

_Oh, Andres, I wish you were here to pull me out of my spirals. I wish you were here to laugh at my brooding. I wish you were here to point out the beauty of love. You wouldn’t need to, of course._

_Because with you by my side love would become irrelevant._

_Love would be a question of reception._

_But you’re not here, so I’ll have to make do with friendship._

_Te quiero, Andres._

_Te quiero mi vida, mi amor, mi querido, mi corazon._

_I love you, Andres._

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🐨  
> dave wants to be your friend  
> dave wants to be your shoulder to cry on  
> dave wants you to take care of youself  
> dave loves you  
> dave wants you to love yourself


	6. Chapter 6

_Palermo_

_6 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I made another friend today!_

_Her name is Christina, the waitress at the café._

_I wasn’t sick today either. F*ck, if Nicolas’ grandmother wasn’t a miracle-worker then I don’t know what the f*ck she was, because I had a fever yesterday and not anymore._

_You know better than anyone that I usually take at least a week to get over fevers._

_But nope!_

_No fever today!_

_So I went to the café, and today I ordered an iced mocha with extra syrup. Nicolas wasn’t there yet, so the waitress and I talked._

_When I ordered something different, she looked surprised. She only shrugged and laughed lightly._

_Not teasingly._

_Just… unexpectedly I guess? She asked me if there was any particular reason that I was changing my order, she put special emphasise on how drastically different it was. So I told her that its actually more of my usual thing. I told her that black coffee was actually more of a new thing for me, and she seemed to guess what happened. She laughed, asking me if I was sick yesterday because of it._

_It surprised me, honestly._

_I asked her how she knew, and she talked a lot about how different amounts of coffee can affect different people, how usually having something lighter and then suddenly switching to something really strong can be harmful._

_She told me to be careful, and to make sure I wasn’t having too much caffeine._

_We talked for longer, and without realising it I was sitting at their little café-bar-bench that they have._

_I changed my seating._

_I changed my drink._

_And I made another friend._

_I know we are friends because she gave me her number and told me she was looking forward to seeing me tomorrow. She went back to work and Nicolas came in after 5 minutes._

_Not that I was counting._

_He looked at me, and he grinned._

_It was almost sweet, but I remembered that it was only friendship. Because I don’t want anything else. Nothing other than you, Andres. Never._

_We talked again and after a while Christina came back and joined us, and we all laughed together. We stayed until her shift ended, about lunch time, and we all went to the beach. We talked and we laughed, and god, Andres, if it wasn’t the most fun I’ve had in ages._

_We made plans to meet up at the café again, tomorrow._

_It feels so strange._

_To be wanted, expected, sought out._

_But willingly._

_To be looked at, and then smiled at._

_To see the familiarity light up their smiles and relax their shoulders._

_People are on guard a lot, Andres._

_So am I._

_I feel my shoulders drop and my back rest whenever I see Nicolas. He just… he makes me feel like I’m home. At ease. Like I belong. Like I’m wanted._

_It reminds me of when I was with you. Of how we could read each other, how we could hear each other in our minds, how we could stop each other from doing the most terrible of things with nothing more than a look._

_How you could stop me from launching at someone with nothing more than an unseen smile._

_How you could work me down from a panic attack with nothing more than the touch of your hand._

_How I could stop you from killing the person who looked at you funny by crossing my arms._

_I feel pain when I think of you._

_What did you feel, I wonder, when you thought of me?_

_I feel an orange bubble, warm with the reds of passion but yellow with the flickers of doubt encompass me when I remember you._

_Really, it depends what I think of._

_If I think of heist planning and working, I think of a bright orange. Nothing but a pure, unadulterated chaos._

_If I think of your weddings, I think of an orangey-yellow. Doubt, mixed with pain, mixed with guilt and anxiety. It hurts, but it’s an old pain._

_If I think of just you. you the night you left, you when you laugh, you when you were happy, you when you were angry, you when you were looking at me, just you, I think of an orange so red it could be taken for the kindling of a flame. It burns, Andres. I can almost see it blurring the edges of my vision, can feel it circulating within me._

_How do you feel a colour, Andres?_

_You would’ve known. You would’ve nodded and agreed. You would’ve elaborated and explained it in a way I could never._

_I miss you Andres._

_I miss everything about you._

_I miss your smile, your eyes, your face, your writing, your cooking, your glares, your grey hairs you pretended didn’t exist, your somewhat murderous tendencies, your mind, your presence, your taste in clothes, your voice, your laugh-_

_Your lips against mine._

_God, how I revel in how that felt._

_How I wish it never happened._

_Its all my fault._

_Andres, if I could take it all back, I would._

_To forget the way you held my face in your hands, to forget the way you pushed me against the wall, how you pulled me closer._

_Only to have you back._

_Anything to have you back._

_I love you Andres._

_Only you._

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god i need dave  
> 🐨  
> dave is here for you  
> dave values you  
> dave loves you  
> dave thinks you are amazing  
> dave values your presence


	7. Chapter 7

_Palermo_

_7 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_Bars are strange places._

_Don’t you agree?_

_Drinking at home, I’ve noticed, makes time slow. It makes it tick unbearably slowly, drawing out every second, only speeding when you feel the liquor burn its way into you._

_Maybe it’s not meant to be like that._

_Maybe I’m just lonely._

_Either way, bars, as I’m sure you know, make the time fly. One moment, your arriving, and the next it’s three in the f*cking morning and you’re stumbling home… or to a stranger’s house._

_The point is_

_Bars are strange._

_They warp time, bend it into something of choice._

_Come, sit at the bar, talk with your friends, flirt with the guy nearby, talk to the bartender, read a f*cking book. Whatever you do at the bar, I find, takes the right amount of time._

_It is neither slowed nor rushed._

_The dance floor, you step out, you listen to the music, you twirl, you swing, you do whatever the f*ck you want, and by the time you’ve stepped off, most of your time is gone. Time rushes on the dance floor, because you do. as you dance and jump and move to the music, the time speeds. It forgets you. then you step out, and it picks you back up._

_It’s so confusing, Andres._

_But it’s nice_

_It’s not as nice alone though._

_It was different, going with people again._

_Nicolas, Christina and I all went to a gay bar, which was… interesting._

_Christina, as it turns out, is gay (or lesbian... you know what I mean)._

_Nicolas is in fact bisexual_

_And me? Well you already know that…_

_It was interesting, because for once I went to a GAY BAR with people._

_I know how you hated going to those bars… you always were too fancy for that._

_I know you didn’t have anything against homosexuality_

_You just needed your creature comforts._

_Anyway, Christina went home with a some other lady at about midnight, which just left me and Nicolas. We teased each other for a bit, and then we did dares._

_Just silly little things, Andres._

_For example, he’d dare me to flirt with some guy, and then I’d dare him to do something similar, if not better. The person who did their round of dares better got a free drink (courtesy of the loser). It was great fun, and it was really funny watching Nicolas try to flirt with someone twice his size, even better when they responded positively. One guy tried to kiss him, and Nicolas fell over with laughter trying to explain to the poor man it was just a game._

_Thank god we were drunk_

_At some point I had to talk to some woman, which was uncomfortable. She kept putting her hands on me, but I let her because I thought she was gay… because we were in a gay bar_

_Don’t judge me I was drunk_

_Anyway, I asked her what she was doing_

_And then she asked me to come home with her._

_And I felt so sick._

_Like pit-to-the-stomach sick._

_I just got up and went back to Nicolas. I couldn’t even look in the woman’s direction._

_Admittedly, it was probably very funny._

_But -urgh- f*ck me if I’m ever going to let a woman I haven’t confirmed isn’t straight so much as sit next to me._

_I shudder at the mere thought._

_Don’t be angry, Andres_

_Nicolas kissed me… only to make the woman stop staring._

_At least, that's what he said after._

_When I looked up, he was right. The wh*re really had started to harass some other poor guy. We went back to our drinks after, we just ignored it, really._

_Don’t be angry… please?_

_I’m still yours_

_I still love you_

_And only you_

_Forever_

_-_ _Martin Berrote_

> **Notes for the Chapter:**

> awww ok so we'll have to see where martin's relationship with nicolas is going to go
> 
> i have some things in store for the fic that i definitely want to happen, but i need to make sure martin has a way of almost healing before it happens...
> 
> god im not so sure how im going to do it  
> but dont worry, ill figure it out 😅😘
> 
> and here's what you've all been waiting for
> 
> 🐨  
> dave loves you  
> dave values you  
> dave thinks you're the best


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS PLEASE BE CAREFUL READING THIS I PUT TAGS BUT STILL DONT FORGET TO CHECK
> 
> TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SELF-HARM
> 
> JUST PLEASE, BE CAREFUL

_Palermo_

_9 th of July_

_Andres,_

_Andres help_

_I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday_

_I couldn’t do anything..._

_I tried getting dressed, to brush my teeth, to make breakfast, to shower, to write... I couldn't_

_But god_

_There were voices_

_Voices everywhere_

_Whispering things_

_Terrible things, Andres_

_God, I wish you were here_

_Andres_

_Andres_

_Andres oh god I wish you were here_

_They’re terrible_

_The worst part is they’re right._

_Pathetic, they said_

_Disgusting, weak, waste of space, a curse on my family, a dirty stain on the fabric of other’s happiness._

_They said it was my fault, my fault you left, my fault you died_

_It was_

_Andres, it was all my fault._

_I tried to write_

_I really did_

_But then they started whispering other things_

_Things that made a lot of sense_

_But they shouldn’t have_

_Andres, I’m sorry_

_I know it’s wrong_

_I don’t want to keep listening to the voices_

_I don’t want them to come back_

_They said it would make me feel better…_

_The worst part is…_

_It did_

_Andres… I … I cut_

_A lot_

_My arm, it’s all red and swollen and puffy and some parts are still wet_

_It hurts to move_

_But I have to write_

_I have to tell you what’s happening_

_Otherwise the voices will win_

_Otherwise you really will be gone_

_Then who will save me?_

_Who will I think of, the next time the blade slides closer to my wrist_

_The voices were right_

_I am pathetic_

_The thought of a dead man is all that keeps me from killing myself_

_It’s close, Andres_

_I can feel it_

_It’s like there’s someone else inside me_

_I look in the mirror, and I see that someone else._

_Martin Berrote is dead_

_I killed him_

_I look in the mirror and I see a murderer_

_I see the murderer’s victim_

_Maybe I will join you soon._

_How you would hate that_

_To see me again_

_To see what I have become_

_What about Nicolas_

_I cant believe I only just thought of him_

_Imagine if he walks in on my rotting corpse_

_Martin Berrote might not be dead yet_

_At least I hope not_

_Nicolas would be so disappointed_

_Christina too, I suppose_

_Andres, what should I do?_

_I want to join you again_

_I know the voices will come back_

_But should I try?_

_Should I try to save Martin Berrote?_

_Should I try to save myself?_

_Andres, I don’t know who I am anymore, but you’re there for me when I close my eyes, I hear your voice in my mind when all the others have gone, I’m writing to you now because I feel like you can see it, I know you can._

_I don’t know who I am, but I know I love you, and I care about Nicolas, and maybe Martin Berrote doesn’t need to die._

_\- Martin Berrote (?)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, im sorry, that was a really dark chapter... i kinda lost myself writing it
> 
> so just to cover,   
> yes i missed a day, yes i passed out because it happens, yes, i worked it into the fic, yes these get written on the spot usually around 11:30 PM so i should prob change that but still
> 
> love you all, please talk to someone if you're feeling like you might hurt yourself, or if you feel unsafe (i know it sounds a little corny, but it really works for me, so just reach out if you need it)
> 
> 🐨  
> dave knows things can be hard  
> dave is here for you  
> dave loves you so so so much  
> dave values you   
> dave thinks you're worth the world  
> dave knows you're worth the world


	9. Chapter 9

_Palermo_

_10 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I turned my phone back on, I had 8 missed calls from Nicolas and 3 from Christina. I think they might have been a little worried…_

_When I went to the café, they both cheered. It was funny, but I felt really guilty when they asked me where I’d been. I told them that I’d slept all day, but I don’t think Nicolas believed me. He nudged my arm like he does when he’s asking me if I’m okay without asking, which would have been nice if I hadn’t been covered in cuts. I think I flinched, because his smile went away and he asked me if I was okay. I told him that I was fine, and he gave me a weird look before asking me if I was okay again. I tried to tell him again, but my mouth went really dry and I couldn’t lie anymore._

_Christina put her hand on top of mine and told me that they were here for me. I smiled at them and just nodded. Then she said that she was flying out to meet her parents in England. Apparently, she was raised in a foster home before being adopted by the foster family. She has 3 other siblings, all younger, and they all live in England. She said she’d facetime us, and we all started talking about living abroad._

_Christina was raised in England._

_Nicolas was raised all over Europe, he can speak French, German, Irish (for some reason), English, Polish, Italian, Dutch, and of course Spanish, all fluently. He said he could also get by in Arabic after doing some work in Jordan (I wonder what he was doing over there?)_

_We spent the rest of the morning trying to find something that Nic (he said to call him that, I think I might) couldn’t say in another language. After Christina’s shift, she had to go home to start packing, so it was just me and him._

_We went over to his house, and we sat in his backyard._

_He asked me what happened to my arms._

_I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about, so he poked my arm lightly. It made me flinch again, and I felt really guilty._

_he asked me why. He asked me what I was thinking about._

_I told him how I felt._

_I told him about how I felt dead._

_About how I felt like someone else_

_About the voices._

_He was holding my hands the whole time, as if he knew what I wanted to do._

_I thought he would tell me to delete his number, to leave his house, to leave him alone, that I was a freak, but instead he said that he was here for me and he was happy to listen if I wanted to talk. He asked me to roll up my sleeves, and I did. For a moment he looked really sad, before he blinked and told me to wait there. He went inside and came back with gauze and antiseptic, and he cleaned all the cuts and bandaged them. While he was doing it he kept swallowing really hard and blinking really fast, which was strange, but it also made me feel sad._

_I’ve known him for all of 10 days and he is already one of the only people I care about in my life._

_Nothing compared to you, but still, it was strange caring about someone alive._

_Once he’d finished he rolled my sleeves back down and made me promise to call him whenever I felt like doing it again. He told me that I had to call him, no matter the time of the day, because apparently I had come too close to an artery. I told him I’d be fine, and he held my hands roughly. He told me that I HAD to, and he put a lot of emphasis on every word, and his eyes were big and determined and scared._

_So I said yes._

_He gave me a tight hug, but not around my arms, and I hugged him back. he said that he cared about me, and I said he shouldn’t. it was more of a joke, but he just hugged me tighter and said that I was stuck with him._

_I wasn’t really sure what to say, so I just stayed still until he pulled away. he gave me a small smile, and asked me if I was hungry. He didn’t wait for an answer, jumping off the couch and inviting me inside. He made soup and we watched some shows together, which was fun. We joked and we acted like nothing had happened, but it had._

_It felt closer, better, safer._

_The voices were silent._

_I love you Andres, thank you._

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, im sorry for the delay, things have been a bit hectic down here (assuming the people who read this are in either europe, asia, or america, just anywhere above australia), school has been starting back up and i had to sort some stuff out. i wrote the next few chapters so i'm going to publish them as soon as i upload this chapter, so stay tuned?
> 
> and here's dave, who is sorry that i he's missed the last few days  
> 🐨  
> dave loves you  
> dave values you  
> dave thinks you're amazing


	10. Chapter 10

_Palermo_

_11 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_Today was…_

_Well I’m not quite sure._

_It started way too early, at about 7, with Nic ringing on my doorbell._

_A lot._

_He said that we had to organise a going away party for Christina, and that he needed my help. I told him to wait a moment, while I got changed, and he said he’d wait for me in his car._

_I had a super quick cold shower to wake me up, and I wore my leather jacket, my jeans, and a white tee. When I got dressed, I met him outside and we drove to a store. He said that we needed balloons, streamers, balloons, table covers, balloons, party food, balloons and alcohol._

_He needed a lot of balloons._

_It was fun, he kept asking me whether we had too much balloons, and I’d say yes, and he’d add more._

_He had brought a notebook with him, and some coloured pencils, and we sketched out ideas for how we should set everything up._

_We eventually decided on holding the party in Nic’s backyard, since the park would attract too much unwanted attention, the airport would be rushed, and we couldn’t throw a party in a café._

_We set everything up, and by the end it looked like a kids birthday party, but with alcohol._

_Nic called Christina and asked her to come over to help him with his coffee machine, and she said yes (because that’s the kind of friend she is)._

_When she came, we swung the door open and yelled ‘surprise!’, because that’s what you do in a surprise party. She laughed when she saw all the balloons we’d bought, and we all sat down together and talked, like we usually do after her shift, but a little drunk (not enough to count, we were only sipping on some wine… I didn’t even finish a cup)._

_We drove Christina to the airport and helped her with her bags. When it was time for her flight, she hugged us both and said that she’d miss us, and that she’d call. We waved her off and then we went to my house._

_It was a little messy, but I got it cleaned up in the 5 minutes it took Nic to park his car._

_We talked, like usual, and Nicolas asked me if I had thought about what he’d said. I told him that I hadn’t thought about cutting since last talking, because I hadn’t. he smiled with a huge grin and gave me a hug._

_He likes doing that._

_When he pulled away he started talking about how a change of scenery would do me good._

_I asked him what he meant, and he went on a long tangent explaining how we associate places with memories, and he told me that, if I wanted to, I should try to change up my apartment, move the tables and couches, change the curtains, just try to ‘freshen up the space’ (a direct quote). I just shrugged and said ‘sure’, because it was a good idea._

_You know Andres, I really really miss you._

_A lot._

_Maybe I’ll put up something from the monastery as a reminder of that time._

_Maybe it will remind me of the happier times, maybe I’ll remember what it was like before._

_Maybe I won’t need to._

_Maybe I’ll move on._

_Maybe I won’t._

_Maybe, I’ll move on, but not completely._

_Maybe I’ll save a little spot, just for you in my heart, but let the rest move on._

_I love you Andres._

_I think I love nic. But not in the same way._

_In the way one loves a dear friend._

_Is that how you loved me? To what extent were you lying, I wonder. I want to think you meant the same way I loved you, but now I’m not so sure._

_It changes nothing. I love you._

_Te quiero mucho, mi corazon._

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp what did you think of the indirect characterisation?   
> that's a joke, i just finished english and we were talking about it, turns out i've been doing it this whole time *shrugs*
> 
> 🐨  
> dave is still here for you  
> dave loves you  
> dave wants you to be happy


	11. Chapter 11

_Palermo_

_12 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I cleaned the flat today._

_Nicolas told me that if I changed the space it would be easier to feel alive again_

_I made my bed, I opened the curtains, I dusted, I wiped, and I washed._

_I moved my bed around, I changed my sheets, I reorganized my cupboards_

_I did everything I could to change how it ‘felt’, like Nicolas said I should._

_He came by, and we had tea together. It was really nice, we just sat together, not talking much, but it felt like we were communicating any way. it was safe. It was calming. It was fresh._

_Nicolas is too nice for me, but he told me I shouldn’t think that. He told me I have to value myself. he told me that I have to accept who I am and respect it._

_He looked like he cared._

_He gave me his soft smile, and I felt a pink bubble._

_Not an orange bubble, like with you, but a soft pink. It feels like a hug. It feels like a different kind of love. It feels like care._

_I like it._

_Christina face-timed us from England, and she was with her adoptive parents, who were very nice. Nicolas spoke in very fast English, while I just smiled and nodded, making her parents laugh from time to time. They spoke a little Spanish, and it was interesting listening to them trying to incorporate bits of the language into their English. They had been talking about the café that Christina works at, and then they’d said ‘muy bonito’, but in the middle of the otherwise English sentence._

_It was funny, a little confusing, but funny._

_I miss Christina, but it was nice having Nicolas around._

_Almost something compared to you._

_Nothing, but almost something._

_Te querio, mi vida, te quiero_

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOOD👏FKN👏NIGHT👏
> 
> love u guys, see you with another update or two tomorrow 😘✌
> 
> 🐨  
> dave loves you  
> dave values you  
> dave thinks you're amazing  
> dave's daily quote:   
> when it rains look for rainbows, when it's dark look for stars
> 
> dave has decided he will give you a daily well-being quote, because he loves you 🐨


	12. Chapter 12

_Palermo_

_13 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I hate Sergio_

_I hate Sergio_

_I hate Sergio_

_I don’t care if he’s your brother_

_He’s ruined everything_

_Hijo de puta_

_I can’t believe it._

_I was finally getting better_

_The voices were gone_

_And then the mother*cker shows up_

_After 4 years_

_4 years after he told you to leave me_

_3 years after he became a multi-billionare_

_2 weeks after I started writing to you_

_2 days after I started getting better_

_What the actual f*ck_

_Am I to never be allowed peace?_

_Happiness?_

_To move on with my f*cking life?_

_Not only does he show up, he has the audacity to ask for my help_

_For our plan_

_Andres, he wants to do our plan_

_I’d be lying if I said that the very thought didn’t thrill me_

_The plan we worked for years on, Andres, finally put to reality._

_Brought to life_

_F*ck_

_What about my life?_

_The one I just started building?_

_What about Nic?_

_What about Christina?_

_What about everything?_

_Does he expect me to just drop everything and follow him to god-knows-where?_

_Obviously_

_He reminds me of you, in that._

_Not nearly enough, of course. Nothing important. Just the sh*t that I put up with because I loved you (who am I kidding? I still do)._

_When you would show up after your divorces after 3 months and expect me to drop everything and follow you to the other side of the world. Of course, with you it was different. Following you was what I wanted to do._

_I would die a hundred times just to follow you again._

_But not Sergio_

_That son of a b*tch_

_Do you know what he said, Andres?_

_“Please, Martin. Do it for Andres”_

_What the actual f*ck is wrong with him?!_

_How dare he_

_That hijo de puta can f*ck himself for all I care_

_I told him to get out of my apartment, that I don’t care, that I wont help._

_He just frowned and said he’d be waiting for me at the café in two days._

_That mother*cker’s been watching me… or at least had someone watching me._

_That means he knows about Nic._

_If he’s had people watching me that means he’ll know where Nic lives._

_Is he in danger?_

_Andres, if you were here you would laugh and shake your head. You’d tell me that I’m being paranoid. You’d tell me to get a hold of myself. that it’s just Sergio._

_I told him to get the f*ck out, and he did._

_But one thing he said really truly hurt_

_“I’m sorry”_

_He knows that its all his fault_

_He knows that you’re dead because of him_

_He knows that it would’ve all been fine if he’d just let us be_

_He knows_

_Andres, if you were here you would have told me to hear him out_

_So I told him to wait_

_He turned at the door, and he looked so hopeful_

_It made my fingers twitch_

_I asked him why_

_Why now_

_Why me_

_Why the plan_

_He said something about a kid_

_Torture_

_F*cked up, but I wouldn’t put it past Sergio for him to be lying, or over exaggerating._

_He said he needed me_

_He said he wouldn’t do the plan without me_

_I forgot what it was like to be needed._

_It made my anger turn into guilt_

_Why?_

_Why do I feel guilty?_

_I’m not the one torturing the kid_

_I’m not the one who made it happen_

_I’m not the one who was supposed to keep him safe._

_But I can help_

_I have to_

_Right?_

_After that, he just left, but not before telling me about the café for the second time._

_I have a day_

_A day to drop everything and run after him_

_Andres, I need your help_

_I need you_

_I need you to put a hand on my shoulder_

_I need you to stand next to me_

_I need you to tell me it will all be fine_

_I need you to be right there_

_I need you to be right here_

_Because I love you_

_God, I’ll think about this tomorrow_

_Te quiero, Andres._

_Te quiero_

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did you guys think?
> 
> the last few chapters were super soft and i had martin getting better  
> and now this  
> im sorry 😅😖😂
> 
> 🐨  
> dave values you  
> dave thinks you're amazing  
> dave loves you
> 
> dave's daily quote:  
> it's okay to be a glowstick, sometimes we have to break before we shine


	13. Chapter 13

_Palermo_

_14 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I went down to the café again._

_Like always_

_Because nothing’s changed_

_The sun rose_

_The sun will set_

_The waves will rise, and then they will crash_

_Because nothing has changed_

_Yet_

_I sat with Nic, because I always do_

_I felt like I needed him_

_I needed to have him by my side_

_I needed to have him smile and laugh and talk with me_

_Because I love that_

_I love him_

_To an extent, of course_

_I love him like one loves a friend_

_I don’t need to explain, I’m sure you of all people are well aware._

_We talked as always (god how I love that I can say that)_

_I asked him what I should do._

_Well, not really._

_I asked him what he would do if someone that he hated had asked for his help. That it mean he'd have to give it his all._

_He was quiet for a while, before he answered._

_He told me that it depends, but that he would help._

_He said that people are conditioned to change. That they are worth second chances. That if they are truly terrible then all the more reason to help them. Especially if they have hurt us._

_He talked about moving on, about how helping someone who caused you pain would help you to move past it._

_He said that it’s always important to do the right thing, no matter the cost._

_That made me smile a little_

_But it was more a sad smile_

_Then I cleared my throat and went back to normal smiling. We talked like always and we laughed like always, and I spent an amazing day with Nic._

_We went to a museum, to the beach, to the park, and then we went to the city, where we really just walked around until the sun set. When it did, we went to my flat and Nicolas taught me how to make pasta._

_Well, he tried._

_We ate pasta and then we watched some shows._

_When it was time for Nicolas to go and we said our goodbye’s, I gave him a tight hug like he always gave me._

_Because it’s goodbye_

_When he hugged me back, I had to remind myself that I couldn’t start crying, otherwise he’d know that there was something wrong._

_Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to leave_

_To do the right thing._

_I’ll do it for the plan_

_I’ll do it for us_

_I’ll do it for the kid._

_But I’ll also do it because Nicolas would want me to._

_Because it’s the right thing_

_I’m going to miss Nic_

_His smile_

_His laugh_

_His hugs_

_He deserves some sort of explanation... don't you think?_

_Maybe I'll leave him a letter_

_It doesn't matter, he'll see it on the news_

_on the news._

_we finally get to do what we couldn't all those years ago._

_I love this plan almost as much as I love_ _you_

_I don't need to keep telling you, but I do, to make up for all the times I wanted to before_

_I love you_

_Te quiero Andres_

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sighs* why does nicolas have to be so perfect
> 
> 🐨  
> dave values your presence  
> dave thinks you're the best  
> dave loves you  
> dave says:  
> warriors are not those who always win, but those who always fight


	14. Chapter 14

_Boat_

_15 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I’ve done it_

_I’ve left_

_I’m never going to see Nic, Christina or the café again_

_I left a letter for Nic in my apartment, because I know he’ll go and I know he’ll find a way inside. I told him that I was going to do the right thing, and that he’d hear from me soon. I told him I would be fine, and that he doesn’t need to worry about me -because I know that he will, he’s just that kind of friend-._

_I really am going to miss him_

_I’m going to miss his hugs_

_His laugh_

_His smile_

_But really I’m just going to miss him._

_Sergio is taking me to the monastery_

_He told me that ‘everyone’ will already be there_

_I don’t like the way that sounds_

_I’m going to have to share what we worked on, what we created, with a bunch of heathens who wouldn’t know refined from bedraggled if it screamed in their faces_

_F*ck_

_I really do sound like you sometimes_

_I wonder what it will be like in the monastery_

_I told Sergio I’d be fine_

_But now I’m beginning to wonder…_

_Will i?_

_Will I be fine with sitting in the same room you left me standing in?_

_Will I be fine walking the same halls I did with you all those years ago?_

_It doesn’t matter_

_Just as long as I do it, I don’t need to be fine_

_I probably wont even make it out of the Bank, so what does it matter if I am fine or not?_

_I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, Andres_

_I really don’t_

_I hate boats_

_What a great segue_

_You wouldn’t have felt it_

_The boat just starting shaking like sh*t_

_I f*cking hate the sea_

_The ocean_

_The waves_

_F*ck_

_There it goes again_

_If you were here I would have been able to pretend that I was fine_

_I would’ve been able to pretend that I was fine with almost doing a backflip every time Sergio decides we need to move to another side_

_I would’ve held myself together_

_I’ll try to distract myself_

_I wonder what the team is going to be like_

_I wonder if I have to have a city name_

_I wonder what it could be_

_Buenos Aires?_

_No, even I’m not that simple_

_Maybe I’ll do a place that has… sentimental value_

_Paris is girlish_

_So is Vienna_

_I don’t think I’m allowed Spanish cities so I’ll skip Barcelona and Santiago_

_I’m pretty sure there’s already a Tokyo_

_You were Berlin_

_We did a few jobs in Italy_

_That reminds me_

_Why the f*ck am I in a boat_

_I was in Palermo_

_We could’ve just driven to Florence_

_I mean, it would’ve taken longer_

_But f*ck, I hate boats_

_Maybe Palermo_

_It’s where I’ve been the last few years_

_It’s where I met Nic_

_And we lived there for a while_

_It ticks all the boxes_

_Well… I say all the boxes but there was really only ever one_

_I miss you, Andres_

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so  
> 29 hours no sleep  
> here we are  
> im tired but im not, savvy?
> 
> anyway, here's dave  
> 🐨  
> dave loves you  
> dave is here for you  
> dave thinks the world of you  
> dave says:  
> Difficult roads often lead to the most beautiful destinations, so keep driving


	15. Chapter 15

_Boat_

_16 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_What the f*ck am I still doing on the boat_

_The monastery was in Florence_

_I was in Palermo_

_We should’ve gotten there by now_

_I f*cking hate this boat_

_I already miss Nic_

_When I woke up, I half expected it all to be a dream. I almost got out of bed without realising I was in a cabin, and god, the disappointment I felt._

_In that moment, all I wanted was to go down to the café and talk to Nic. To have an iced-mocha and stare at the waves (from a safe distance), to talk, to laugh, anything, really. I just miss him. almost like I miss you._

_But not quite_

_When I miss you, I feel so much, Andres._

_I feel pain, love, hope, anguish, weakness and strength._

_When I miss Nic, I miss the safety and trust, the shoulder to lean on._

_Don’t get me wrong, I love who he is, his personality, his smile, his laugh, his thoughtfulness, but writing it out and reading it, it seems too close to what I shared with you (writing, after all, will never convey the depth of what I feel with you, mi amor), it didn’t feel right._

_Just know that I miss what we had (Nic and I)._

_But I what I truly mourn is what WE had (tu y yo)._

_After I came to terms with the fact that yes, I was still on a boat, and no, I would not be going to the café, I made myself a black coffee and sat on the deck, dangling my legs over the edge, leaning forward enough to be concerning, and watched the waves._

_They crashed into the boat, and it made me remember the day on the beach, right before I’d met Nic, when I had been thinking about their inevitability._

_It still scares me, Andres_

_The waves will never stop_

_But I want them to_

_Why can’t they?_

_Why must fate be so selfish?_

_So cruel?_

_I’ll just need to make it a few weeks, then it will all be over._

_All of it_

_My waves will finally stop crashing_

_I’m meeting the ‘gang’, as Sergio calls them, tomorrow_

_It’s going to be a mess_

_A burning heap of feelings in the wrong place and words put in a dangerous sequence_

_A distorted ballad sung by the wrong bard_

_But sung nonetheless_

_Maybe somehow it will reach your ears_

_Te quiero mi vida_

_Te quiero_

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aha  
> ahaha  
> haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
> 
> im on my lunch break and suddenly i had this overwhelming guilt for not putting in any entries over the weekend, so here i am, and i'll be back as soon as school finishes *finger guns*


	16. Chapter 16

_Florence_

_17 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I actually didn’t meet anyone today. Sergio said that they were actually coming tomorrow, which begs the question of how._

_Not that I really care, I just hope they’re not too stupid_

_Or at least not all of them_

_I’m not going to lie_

_I kinda wanna meet the people that were the last to see you alive… Maybe they’ll be the last people to see me alive too_

_It doesn’t really matter, they’re just people_

_Just pawns in Sergio’s game_

_Just like I am_

_I’m in my room right now_

_The chapel is just down the hall_

_Your room is across from mine_

_Remember how you used to fall asleep in the chapel?_

_When I would have been working on the plans (how I loved them), playing some music (it was always too quiet), and listening to your pencil sketching across your notebook (you would never let me look). I lit a few candles, and I think Sergio swapped our old ones out, because these ones smell nice._

_I do miss the smell of burning wax that our candles gave off, no doubt centuries old and probably a fire hazard, but these ones are fine._

_I watched the candles burn for a bit, the flame dancing up and down, the flicks reaching up as though desperate for release._

_I watched the small smoke tendrils curl up and disappear, and I made shapes out of them._

_Sometimes I saw hands, others I saw letters or words, but once I could almost make out your face._

_I must be going crazy_

_The day started with the boat_

_Because of f*cking course it did_

_I woke up when Sergio parked the boat –very clumsily- and banged it into the port, which made me fall out of bed. Then he started banged on the door a few times and told me to get my bags. That made me laugh, because I only brought one bag, it’s the backpack that I took everywhere._

_You know the one._

_It’s the one you bought me from Brazil, a year or two after we met, after we’d robbed a small jewelry store._

_I love it so much, it fits so many things, but it looks so small. It’s very durable as well._

_But mostly I love it because you gave it to me._

_Anyway, we walked for half the day, all around Florence, which was nice, but also a little annoying. I was surprised that Sergio seemed so fine with it, but then I noticed he was wearing a large trench coat and wrapped securely in a scarf covering most of his face. I was just wearing my leather jacket, it wasn’t even that cold, but Sergio was shaking._

_Maybe he was scared_

_Maybe he was just cold_

_I felt nothing_

_I wonder if I should be concerned_

_Its probably just Sergio being Sergio_

_Remember how he used to shiver in the winter? The flat we had always brought in drafts. Sergio would always come into your room to sleep. He was so cute as a 12 year old._

_Anyway, tomorrow I’ll look through the plans again, set everything up, and clear the chapel for Sergio’s classroom. I can’t believe we’re finally going to do it, Andres. Finally, after all these years, all of Spain will feel the power of my love for you._

_Te quiero, mi amor_

_\- Martin Berrote_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so  
> its been a few days  
> i promise i'll catch up 😅😅😅
> 
> also martin's first impressions of the gang coming up next


	17. Chapter 17

_Florence_

_18 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_I can’t believe these are the people that Sergio hand picked_

_Well, I’m supposed to call him the Professor now_

_F*ck that_

_Sergio hand picked THESE people? Of all the thieves in the whole of Spain, these were the best he could find?_

_F*cking hell._

_Some of them I’ll tolerate, but joder, Andres, it’s going to be hard._

_The city names get real old real fast too, but at least they’re memorable._

_There’s_

_Nairobi, who was a forger, apparently she was in charge of the bank notes and sh*t_

_Denver, who was someone’s son and really just an extra person_

_Stockholm, who was a hostage (I wonder what happened)_

_Helsinki, who was a soldier (also very gay if I’m not wrong, but when has my gay-dar ever been off?)_

_Bogota, it’s just Hovik, and I’m glad he’s our welder_

_Marseille, it’s Lucas, and he brought Sofia as well_

_Lisbon, who is Sergio’s girlfriend (I wonder how that happened)_

_I feel like I’m missing someone_

_Right_

_Tokyo, who lost her boyfriend and is a pain in the ass…_

_I don’t like Tokyo very much_

_Maybe I’ll toy with Helsinki_

_If he’s actually gay that is_

_I’ll just wear my old jeans and walk in front of him a lot, then I’ll really be able to tell_

_Maybe I’ll just get drunk and play music_

_That reminds me_

_I have to look over the plan tomorrow_

_I should probably get some rest_

_I’ll talk to you tomorrow, querido_

_\- Palermo_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so shorter than intended, but eh
> 
> also helsinki 😉


	18. Chapter 18

_Florence_

_19 th of July_

_Dear Andres,_

_It’s currently 2 in the morning, and I’m working on the plan. I wrote the date as the 19 th, but really right now it’s the 20th. But I wrote 19th because it’s my entry for the day._

_I don’t need to explain it. I’m sure you understand._

_Sergio is asleep in the corner, he looks like he passed out on the table_

_I turned on the record player, and god, I feel 5 years younger_

_The same way I did when I was with you_

_Your painting is right beside me, and I keep catching myself staring at it. I used to think it was creepy, now it just makes me miss you._

_Sergio set the room up like a classroom, except he just put a chalkboard in front of my desk so I can still work._

_He wanted me to go through the cabinets and drawers and organize them, but I have more important things to do._

_And before you look at me like that, and give me the half smirk I know you will, NO, it has nothing to do with the fact I know you kept your notebooks and painting in those cabinets._

_Well_

_It does_

_But that’s not the point._

_I didn’t really see anyone today_

_I wasn’t hungry, so I didn’t need to go down to the kitchen, but I could hear them outside, even from the chapel._

_I haven’t eaten anything all day_

_Not that I’m hungry or anything_

_I miss you andres. I’ve been listening to all kinds of songs all day, and I keep feeling – god I can’t explain it- I keep feeling YOU wash over me_

_Just a sense of you_

_The way I would feel whenever you walked into a room_

_The way I would feel whenever you were painting_

_The way I feel when I listen to some of these songs_

_I can’t explain it_

_It’s just you._

_My arms hurt a lot today. I think I tore some of the cuts. There was a bit of blood on my shirt, so I’m going to have to wash it before anyone notices._

_I don’t think Sergio noticed._

_If he did, then I’m glad he didn’t bring it up._

_I wonder what I’ll do on a hot day_

_I’ll probably just look like a tomato_

_Because no way in hell am I going to have someone else roll up my sleeves and ask me what’s wrong. f*cking hell no_

_Great_

_Now I’m thinking about Nic_

_I left him behind_

_I really miss the café_

_And Christina..._ _She was funny_

_But I mostly miss Nic. He was too good to me, too nice, too caring. I miss him_

_I wonder what he would think of all this_

_I wonder how he will react when he sees me on the television_

_When he sees my face, hears the reporters say my name, and realises who I am_

_What I am_

_I wonder if he’s read my letter yet, if he’ll understand. I wonder if he and Christina will talk about me. I wonder if he feels betrayed_

_I hope he doesn’t_

_I hope he understands_

_I should probably get back to work_

_I don’t think I’m going to be able to get any sleep_

_How could I?_

_This is a masterpiece, and it is about to be unveiled for the first time in years_

_I have to make sure it is perfect_

_It’s all I have left_

_And when it has all been said and done, I’ll finally rest_

_I’ll finally see you again_

_te quiero, mi amor, mi otra mitad, mi vida_

_te quiero_

_\- Palermo_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *claps*  
> ok now that i think about it i think the chapters might be missed if i update it too quickly, but its too late now *shrugs*  
> ok i feel like i owe you guys an explanation as to why this schedule is so fked up right now  
> so i started this on term break, and i wrote a chapter everyday, writing it and posting by 11:30 (pm) because that's when i'm at my angsty-est  
> then school started again, and i had to sleep (really it was just collapsing for 4 hours), and i've been kinda held up doing all that because remote learning's a bitch and lets be real the teachers all hate us, so i havent had a lot of time, i dont want to rush the story or ruin it in anyway, so i was putting it off  
> i finished my work a little earlier today, so i had time to do some writing  
> so that's why i havent updated the past 2-3 days (or however long it's been, i have no concept of time😅)
> 
> anyway, i'm going to go work on my longfic, because i left it on a cliff hanger and i hate myself ✌✌✌


	19. In the dust, in the rubble. whatever's left

_Dear Andres,_

_Andres mi quierido, mi vida, mi amor_

_How long has it been_

_How long is it going to be_

_I've been waiting_

_I've done what you've wanted_

_And now it's over. Everything is coming down around me_

_I'm writing this to you in the rubble_

_In the dust_

_They're going to find me_

_Or_

_They're going to find what's left_

_I hope they don't put it on the news. I hope no one sees this. I hope Nic doesn't see this._

_I had a plan, you know? One I didn't write about._

_I'd go back, I'd find Nic, hell, even the barista (I don't even remember her name. It doesn't matter. No one will remember mine.) and her family. I thought of all of us going to live in the monastery_

_You know, there is one thing -just one more- that I can't take to my grave_

_Something I haven't told you about_

_I keep having a_ _dream_

_It comes again and again, I don't know what it is - I don't even know if I like it_

_It was of me and you_

_or- I think it was your ghost_

_Either way_

_We were dancing_

_There was someone else there. Slowly, more and more people joined._

_We filled a ballroom, our own little world._

_And it was beautiful_

_Some faces I knew_

_Some faces I learned_

_Some faces filled in the blanks_

_You were there too_

_But you were pale- almost shining. I could feel you... But not really_

_I-_

_I don't know_

_All I do know_

_Is that it kept happening_

_And god_

_Andres_

_It felt so real- So so real. Andres it's killing me_

_It doesn't matter_

_I'll be dead soon_

_At least Helsi got out_

_I haven't even written to you about Helsi yet_

_It's okay_

_I'll tell you_

_One day_

_You and I_

_We'll see each other again_

_I'll wait_

_Even if it takes the next life. If I have to wait in a monastery made of memories and whispers, I'll be waiting._

_I'm still waiting for time to bring us back together_

_The pillar's going to fall soon_

_I'm stuck_

_It won't be long now, querido_

_You'll see me soon_

_I'll look a little different, okay?_

_There'll be marks in places were there weren't marks before_

_I'm going to look older_

_I'm going to talk a little different_

_I might smile a little less (I've got to learn how again)_

_But I'm coming_

_Because i_ _t's the end. I did my waiting and I paid my dues._

_Goodbye_

_-or hello_

_I'll see you soon carino_

_I love you andres_

_te quiero mi amor_

_te quiero_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goodbye everyone  
> im sorry  
> i loved the time i spent with yall
> 
> twitter moots:  
> I'm going to miss u. i loved tweeting and sharing every dumbass thought that popped in my mind and having yall laugh over it- or... whatever it was  
> alena, isa, myra, and i don't know who else  
> imma miss yall
> 
> D. (I'm not sure if u want me to use your name, but your ao3 tag feels a little impersonal for this):  
> this is hard  
> it really is  
> I don't know if you recall what we talked about in the notes of 39, but it doesn't really matter.  
> stuff happened, I don't have access to anything anymore. i wont be working on the fic anymore  
> it was my labour of love as much as it was yours, it was one of the only things that I could be proud of I'm sorry  
> I'm going to miss writing with you  
> and working with you  
> and spitballing ideas with you  
> and-  
> just all of it  
> it was all amazing  
> thank you for it all  
> you can continue the story, but you could just leave it. just upload up to chapter 39 and leave it  
> its up to you  
> i only have two requests (if you decide to continue writing it)  
> the first is that you use the ending for the fic that we discussed once in the notes of one of the chapters, it was a note that i would have truly loved to write as the ending for the fic  
> and the second is that you write in the notes of 39 that I am no longer writing with you (I don't want to take credit for your work)  
> god, I'm rambling  
> I'm um  
> I'm really sorry  
> and thank you  
> so much 
> 
> goodbye everyone  
> ilyallsm
> 
> hopefully one day  
> time will bring us back together ;)
> 
> -andy

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will have daily uploads (or that's the plan, at least), I won't give anything away, but it's really just what it seems.
> 
> Comments and kudos make me smile, but so do hits, so really, just thx for being here at all ✌✨💕


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